When You’ve Tried “Everything”: Understanding Challenging Behaviours in Kids

If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why is my child still behaving badly? I've tried everything.”—you’re not alone.

Challenging behaviours during the early years can leave even the most seasoned parents feeling drained, defeated, and overwhelmed. Perhaps you're reading this having already implemented the strategies you learned—redirection, I-messages in conversation, and sticker charts for example. Sometimes they've worked, but then other times…it seems like nothing has helped.

Maybe you’re tiptoeing through transitions. Maybe you’re doubting every response and reaction you have when your child misbehaves or is defiant. And maybe you’re wondering if you’re doing something wrong—or if this is simply the new normal.

Kids' repeated and defiant behaviours can be confusing, tiring, and at times frustrating, especially after we've tried "everything" we can think of to get them to stop. So, when does a behaviour cross the line into being challenging? Where does this behaviour come from? Do you believe kids act a certain way just to make your life tougher? It can feel that way sometimes, but remember, most challenging behaviours in children aren't actually personal.

Are you ready to start learning more? Let's deep dive together into today's guide that's all about understanding challenging behaviours in kids when you've tried "everything". Feel free to take a break and then come back when you read. It's a long one and for good reason!

What is Behaviour, Exactly?

Let's kick things off by making sure we're all on the same page about what we mean when we discuss behaviour.

Behaviour refers to the actions a child takes. The visible actions of a child (i.e. the behaviours we may observe) are shaped by their internal feelings such as emotions, sensations, and memories. This applies to all human behaviour. Our actions and how we behave reflect our inner feelings.

Every behaviour is a form of communication. We yawn to express when we're tired. Babies cry to say things like "I'm hungry" or "I'm scared" or "I need my diaper changed". Kids smile when they're having fun or forming a new and pleasant memory.

Additionally, every behaviour has a purpose. Children's actions are trying to convey an important message to their parents or caregivers and communicate something about their inner experiences. If we take a moment to step back and understand this message, we can learn how to better support children who are showing challenging behaviours.

What Defines Challenging Behaviours?

When we refer to 'challenging behaviours,' we're talking about behaviour that poses a challenge for the adult. Challenging behaviour is any action you view as difficult. Most importantly, what qualifies as 'challenging behaviour' is subjective. What one parent or teacher finds challenging, another might not. And what feels tough for you on a Friday afternoon after a long week might seem trivial on a Monday morning when you're refreshed from a nice weekend. Challenging behaviour is in the eye of the beholder and is influenced by many factors, including our own circumstances as adults.

Kids with challenging behaviour are complete, amazing individuals who don’t need fixing. They need understanding and support.

It's not that kids lack the desire to behave well either; at their age, they simply don’t have the necessary skills to do so. It’s up to us as adults to identify what a child is struggling with and how we can best assist them. Kids exhibiting challenging behaviours are good kids who are still learning and need our help and guidance.

Understanding the Reason Behind Challenging Behaviours

Kids often show challenging behaviours to express their needs. Here are typical reasons for these behaviours: 

1. Access: To obtain something the child desires, such as a toy or food.

2. Escape/Avoidance: To avoid an undesirable task, situation, or demand.

3. Sensory: To seek a pleasurable sensory experience or to avoid an uncomfortable feeling.

4. Attention: To attract the focus of a parent or caregiver.

Think of these as four different reasons a child could be acting a specific way. You might hear them referred to as the "four functions of behaviour" either online or in conversation, which are categories that help explain why certain behaviours happen. Let’s dive into each function a bit more and see what they might look like in kids.

1. Access

One key function of behaviour is to gain access to something they desire. This indicates that the behaviour assists a child in getting a desired item, such as a toy or an activity, that they want.

Here’s a scenario we can all picture: when a child throws a fit in a store to persuade their parent or parents to buy them a candy bar—the child’s action (throwing a fit) was aimed at getting access to the candy bar.

Now, here’s a situation you’re likely to see in an early learning environment: when one child snatches a toy from another child’s hands, the reason behind that grabbing behaviour was to gain access to the toy.

Access behaviours can also manifest as a child whining when it’s time to come inside from the playground, as they want more time outside. Access behaviours are a child’s way of expressing with their body things like, "Hey, I want that" or "I want more".

2. Escape/Avoidance

This indicates that a child's actions are signaling their desire to escape or avoid an activity or an uncomfortable situation. For example, if your child’s teacher has noted that your child suddenly claims they need to use the washroom every day when it's time to tidy up, that could be an avoidance behaviour—your child is attempting to dodge cleanup by heading to the bathroom instead.

Escape behaviours aren't always linked to a lack of motivation. Kids might also resort to escape or avoidance behaviours to express that the task at hand is too challenging. For example, they might throw their pencil and papers on the floor because their math assignment is too tough, or they might walk away from their desk during a studying session. These actions could indicate that a child is trying to steer clear of a task that's too hard for them. It's possible they might be your child’s way of saying, "I don’t want to do this" or "This is too difficult."

It's not just kids who exhibit avoidance behaviours—adults do it too. It's common to engage in escape or avoidance behaviours to sidestep tasks you’d rather not tackle. If you've ever put off a work task or crammed trash into an already full bin instead of just taking out the trash, you already know how this behaviour feels in children.

3. Sensory

Kids often engage in sensory activities to either enjoy a nice feeling or avoid discomfort. For example, some sensory behaviours include stretching after waking up from a nap, rocking back and forth for a calming effect, and covering their ears when the noise level rises. Children might partake in these sensory actions to satisfy their body's sensory requirements or to explore the sensory features of their surroundings, like bumping into furniture to feel pressure on their body, rocking back and forth for a soothing effect, or covering their ears when it gets too loud. 

Sensory behaviours are a way for a child to express through their body: "This feels nice," "I need to move around," "I'm tired/hungry," or "I don't feel so good."

4. Attention

Attention behaviours are how kids express their desire for attention from those around them. It’s like a kid saying, "Hey, notice me!" or "Come play with me!"

Attention can be both positive and negative. When kids are after positive attention, people usually respond with warmth and interest. For example, when a toddler reaches for an adult, or a child pulls on your hand to invite you to play, or when a kid proudly shows off their drawing to a friend—that’s all about positive attention. 

On the flip side, attention behaviours can also attract negative attention, which happens when a child does something they know they shouldn’t, just to get a reaction. A classic example of negative attention is when a child spills a whole bin of markers on the floor (knowing it’s a no-no) and then looks at you as if to say, "Hey, I’m breaking the rules, do you see me?" 

Both types of attention, positive and negative, satisfy a child’s need for attention. So, it’s important to give kids plenty of positive attention so they don’t feel the need to act out in challenging ways.

What About ODD?

Sometimes these challenging behaviours are more intensely shown in the above examples given. In fact, they may be part of a bigger picture that's worth looking at. One example is known as Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).

ODD is a behavioural condition where children show a frequent pattern of angry, defiant, or argumentative behaviour, especially towards their parents and authority figures such as teachers. While all kids say “no” sometimes, children with ODD often resist much more often and with greater intensity. Their behaviours go beyond the occasional tantrum or refusal—they happen consistently, they occur across multiple settings, and they create real stress at home, at school, and within their childhood bonds.

It’s important to remember that ODD isn’t about a child being “bad.” Instead, it reflects underlying difficulties with emotional regulation, impulse control, and problem-solving skills. Children with ODD may also be coping with other challenges, such as attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or childhood anxiety, stress, or trauma.

Just like other challenging behaviours, kids with ODD aren’t trying to make your life as their parent or caregiver harder on purpose—they’re struggling with skills, including executive functioning and social-emotional skills, that they haven’t mastered yet. These children need as much patience, empathy, and consistent support as other children do in order to learn healthier ways of expressing and managing their big feelings. With the right structure, understanding, and guidance, kids with ODD can thrive at home, in school, and in their communities too.

The Importance of Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation can be a tricky subject, and it can get complicated quickly. At its core, emotional regulation is about how well someone can handle life's big challenges and the stress that comes with it. It's not something we're born knowing how to do. For kids, especially those dealing with ODD, anxiety, autism, ADHD, early childhood trauma, and other specific needs, learning how to better regulate emotions can be extra tough.

Struggling with emotional control can cause social problems, outbursts, issues at home and school, bad behaviour, anxiety, and even lead to bigger life troubles later on. In a school environment, when things affect learning, having coping strategies ready to go can really help.

Emotional Regulation and Executive Functioning

Emotional regulation and executive function are linked in several ways to addressing and guiding kids dealing with challenging behaviours. Developing social-emotional skills involves being aware of oneself and having self-monitoring abilities, among other things. Regulating those emotions is essential for cognitive tasks and mental agility, particularly when emotions come into play. 

When we manage our behaviour, the brain's frontal lobe is engaged with its impulse control, initiation, self-monitoring, and other cognitive functions. Additionally, developing emotional skills includes the capacity for self-regulation. These abilities grow and evolve from childhood into adulthood. 

At times, emotions can become overwhelming. They can become dysregulated, thus affecting the brain's ability to manage behaviours, cognitive processes, and executive functioning skills effectively.

Linking Observed Behaviours to Difficulties in Social-emotional Skills

Social-emotional learning is all about helping kids pick up essential life skills, like building positive connections, acting ethically, and dealing with tough situations more easily.

The specific skills that enable children to engage in daily activities are those social-emotional skills that assist them in recognizing and managing their emotions, connecting with others, reflecting on their feelings and appropriate actions, and controlling their behaviour through thoughtful decision-making.

One important aspect of addressing kids' underlying needs is understanding that the behaviours we observe often stem from deeper causes related to emotional regulation, decision-making, and impulse control. Social-emotional skills can be quite complex and aren't always straightforward in terms of development.

Underneath the behaviours like trouble with transitions, acting out, irritability, sleep problems, rigid thinking, and frustrations, we can find components related to the need for emotional regulation.

Executive Function and Emotion

There’s a link between social-emotional skills and executive functioning skills too. Critical thinking plays a big role here. If you think about what kids do every day, a lot of their challenges involve things like impulse control, working memory, attention, focus, and persistence, among others. Strong emotions can affect how well they perform tasks in all these areas in various ways.

The ability to self-regulate, whether it's managing our senses or our emotions, relies on different aspects of executive functioning skills. This includes things like impulse control, getting started on tasks, working memory, being flexible in our thinking, and having self-control. All these mental abilities are closely linked. You can think of executive functioning as your child's brain having an internal air traffic control centre, ensuring everything runs smoothly.

Children with Challenging Behaviours Need Empathy, Not Punishment

Defiant kids often exhibit certain shared traits. They typically possess lower self-awareness and emotional intelligence, and frequently have accompanying conditions such as ODD, ADHD, or anxiety.

As parents, it's important for us to understand when defiance signals that our children are having a tough time. Take a moment to reflect; ask yourself, "Is my child facing a challenge right now?" Whether it’s being late for school or failing to complete assignments, they are opting not to behave in a socially acceptable manner. For children with ODD or ADHD, these actions often arise from more profound issues.

One of the most notable observations made with defiant children is their limited capacity for self-soothing. The ability to calm oneself and tackle problems are the two most essential skills for navigating life.

Anxiety is a frequent and often concealed factor contributing to defiant behaviour. When children feel anxious, they might react aggressively as part of a fight-or-flight response, particularly if they lack the words or skills to articulate their fears. Additionally, aggression can sometimes overshadow feelings of depression. Some children experiencing depression may exhibit irritability. Their attitude often fuels their defiant actions.

In households filled with defiance and emotional volatility, everyone may feel so exhausted and drained that they can only see the problems, not the solutions. However, as we seek out positive moments and commend our children for their strengths, a sense of positivity may begin to overshadow the challenging behaviours. Genuine verbal praise that comes from the heart is one of the most valuable ways you can help your child.

Seeking Professional Guidance for Help and Understanding

Your child's behaviour is a form of communication. With this in mind, we can change the question from, "Why is my child misbehaving so much?" to be "What is my child really trying to tell me?" Every time a child acts out, there's a feeling or a need behind it they don't have the words for yet. Understanding this alone can help us address that need first. Then, we can guide kids on how to express their feelings, desires, and needs in healthier and more respectful ways.

Talking to a certified professional can assist you in understanding why your child is displaying certain behaviours and what steps can be taken to help. If you're in need of assistance with better understanding your child and their needs, Bright Star Counselling is ready to support you and your family.