Where is the Village? You’re Not Meant to Parent Alone

Do you ever feel like you’re the only one awake in the world as you pace back and forth all night with a sick baby in your arms? Have you been feeling utterly defeated and inadequate when your toddler adamantly refuses to eat any meal you’ve prepared for them? Are you left wondering if you’re the only one who has to repeat themselves 3,457 times just to get your teenager to finish a simple task?

Amidst all this uncertainty, one thing remains clear: parenting can be a lonely journey. It’s quite ironic that bringing little ones into the world, whom you cherish more than anything, can leave you feeling more isolated than ever before.

You’ve likely come across the well-known saying: “It takes a village to raise a child.” At Bright Star Counselling, we fully embrace this idea, and we’d like to add another thought: “It takes a village to raise a parent.”

We strongly advocate for children to be nurtured within a community. And it's worth mentioning that the nature of that community has significantly changed over the years, from a time when most homemakers were creating a network of other homemakers to today's current reality where more children are in daycare than before.

The dynamics of parenting have transformed, with roles shifting; dads may now stay at home, either one of the parents may juggle a work-from-home lifestyle, or parents try to find a balance between working at home and in the office. Plus, the methods we use to raise our little ones and the structure of our community have completely evolved. And many more people are finding themselves away from family; they may be in the process of forming their friends as family networks.

No one can flourish in solitude—not parents, nor children. You're not meant to parent alone. We all require a supportive community. So, how do we build that village when we need it the most?

The First Step is Reaching Out

Most of us really don’t want to feel like we’re bothering or inconveniencing anyone…and those feelings are entirely valid. However, there are so many things we’re handling on our own that we really don’t have to. For example, balancing a carpool to school or soccer practice when you're required to work overtime at your job.

How can we work together on this? A big part is asking for help. Because the reality is, you’ve got to start building your village somehow and somewhere. And sometimes, that requires being brave and taking that first baby step forward to reach out when you need help. Even if you feel uncomfortable about it, it's that discomfort that may be holding you back from making the connections you not only want as a parent, but also need to have.

It may help to keep an open mind when it comes to hearing other parents' responses. You might receive an answer like this one: “If I can do it, I will. If I can’t, I’ll let you know." Or you may hear the answer to be an emphatic and enthusiastic "YES!" You really won't know until you start to reach out.

Building a Village Foundation of Trust

Another significant aspect of community building is reliability. We need to be able to count on one another. If you promise to assist someone, you must follow through, even if it’s not the most convenient time.

Most of us don’t have large blocks of free time in our daily schedules; our calendars are usually quite full. However, a key part of being part of a community and building that foundation of trust in your village is being willing to be flexible. There are creative ways to lend a hand, such as taking someone’s child with you when you go out for your own plans.

One key part of creating your parenting support system is to start with the basics. This means finding people in your life who are ready and willing to help with practical things like picking up groceries, babysitting for an hour, or dropping off a meal when you’re feeling swamped.

Additionally, it’s vital to pursue emotional support. This could involve joining a local parenting group or finding a child and family therapist who specializes in working with parents. Having a safe environment to discuss the challenges of parenting can be incredibly affirming and can help you feel less isolated in your experiences.

Being Your Authentic Self

Do you believe your house needs to be spotless for the folks in your village—that you must pretend to be the ideal parent and have everything figured out? 

If you think everything must be flawless for them, you might not want to spend time with these people because it’ll feel like too much work. It’s pretty normal to make everything seem perfect in public, but let's be real—behind closed doors, things can and do get chaotic when you're a parent.

So, let’s be honest with ourselves and stop scrubbing our homes for hours just for the villagers. Instead, why not be straightforward and say, “The house is a mess, and the fridge is bare, but come on over because I’d really like to see you”? 

If we truly want our villages to mean something, we need to show up as our true selves, which involves being vulnerable. Don’t hesitate to ask for help with things like cleaning when you need it, and be there for others when they need a helping hand too. Let's remember to keep in mind that perfection doesn’t exist. It's okay to be your usual, messy self.

Forming Your Village

Are you the kind of person who would approach someone and ask for their phone number? Sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zones a bit; you may find that even the smallest step outside your comfort zone can lead to something amazing. 

Perhaps you've been meaning to speak to your neighbour, or someone you frequently see at the playground. It could be a parent of a child in your kid’s class or on their sports team. Maybe it’s a colleague at work who also has a child or someone you just click with.

Let them know you’d like to meet up; keep in mind that reliability is key here. If you mention wanting to grab coffee sometime, you need to follow through; this is how you start building trust. Some schools offer chances for parents to connect, or you might find a yoga class with other parents. There are also numerous Facebook groups that you could join.

Lastly, there is support for parents at Bright Star Counselling. Every Monday from 10 to 11am, we host a parenting support drop-in group program. You’ll have the opportunity to ask questions, build your village by connecting with other parents, and receive support for challenging situations from both fellow parents and one of our child and family therapists. All sessions qualify for extended health benefits or AFU/FNHA.