When Parents Disagree on Discipline – What to Do and Why it Happens

We’ve all been there–kids are creating chaos, you’re scrambling to restore any calmness in your household, and just when things feel overwhelming, you and your partner don’t agree on discipline. It’s not only frustrating for you and your partner, but also now you’re stuck trying to figure out how to punish your child. 

Although this is extremely common, it has a profound impact on a child that is often underestimated. That’s why a united front is so crucial. Inconsistent discipline can be confusing for kids and strain family dynamics, which is why we’re exploring the reasons why parents disagree, how it impacts your child, and, most importantly, how parents can align their views. 

Why Do Disagreements Happen?

One of the most significant factors shaping a person’s sense of right and wrong is their upbringing. Each parent brings their own history of how they were disciplined into their relationship. Parenting rules tend to either replicate their childhood or oppose their childhood, in an attempt to raise their children in a “better way” than they felt they were. This can create issues in a partnership, as a person who’s trying to correct how they were parented through their own children may feel more passionate about their response to misbehaviour, leaving less room for compromise. 

Another factor that creates an influence is a philosophical or personality difference. Some take on a more authoritative role, while others adopt a submissive parenting style. One parent may value independence and emotions, while the other could prioritize obedience and order. This difference in priorities and values can easily create a strain in the relationship if not addressed with understanding. 

Finally, we often see outside factors impacting conflicting views on parenting. One dealing with extra stress or fatigue from work, or even feeling unsupported, can amplify disagreements. Sometimes when people are experiencing these temporary moods, it leaves them to lash out on small things, like picking a fight with you on discipline, or rooting for a harsher punishment. 

The Impact of Disagreement on Children 

Although this affects a marriage/relationship, it also impacts the child. It creates an issue with mixed messaging, which severely impacts your child from learning lessons to its fullest. 

When a child has inconsistent discipline, it doesn’t teach them what’s right and wrong; it shows them that their punishment is mood dependent. This can create a disobedient child, as they imply their punishment incorrectly. This can also lead to boundary testing, especially on the “softer” parent. When one parent tends to be lighter on punishment than the other, your child may lean onto them more, pushing their boundaries or testing how much they can get away with. 

When it comes to you and your partner specifically, there can be an emotional impact on your child by arguing in front of them on specific punishment. It can create a guilty or anxious feeling for your child as they’ve felt they’ve “caused” you two to fight. This can also create a divide from parent to child, unconsciously pressuring them to choose sides. 

Most importantly, relationship modeling goes a long way and modeling communication and compromise is far more valuable than teaching stubbornness and anger. It’s valuable to recognize this difference and ensure you are preaching the correct lesson. 

I realize this may be overwhelming to hear and can make you think you’ve now failed as a parent, as you have missed these practices, but trust me, you have not. These mixed parenting rules are extremely common, which is why there are so many things we can do to mediate these unhealthy habits.

What Parents Can Do When They Disagree on Discipline

The first strategy we can begin implementing is not arguing in front of your child. This looks like you and your partner presenting a united front as often as possible and delaying conversations about disagreements until later. With this being said, it can help to discuss core principles with your partner to aid this united front. This can begin with stating your values like respect, kindness, and safety, and agreeing on how those will be implemented and later dealt with if disobeyed. 

This is an important time to listen to your partner, as you both may have different values. It’s crucial that you find a middle ground between differing values and punishments to help with the broad and specific problems you two will face. 

Next, a consistent plan should be created for common consequences for recurring issues. This could include bedtime resistance, screentime violation, acting out at school…etc. 

Lastly, you must recognize how you are communicating and that it’s with respect. Using “I” statements goes a long way, saying things like “I feel…” instead of “You always…” Recognize that compromise is part of parenting, however it’s important to remain respectful to one another, hearing the opposing values, and finding that middle ground. 

To keep this maintainable, scheduling “check-ins” serves a great purpose. These weekly parent check-ins can look like a small talk about your week of parenting. Discussing what’s been working or what hasn’t been working, to keep track of both parties’ emotions.

With all this being said, it’s crucial to understand that disagreements are very normal and healthy, as they are a large part of a relationship. It’s natural to have differing beliefs, but instead of seeing this as an issue, see it as an opportunity to model problem solving. 

Discipline can be tough to agree on, but remember that it works best when consistent. We all have reasons for different views, some being upbringings, philosophical beliefs, or contextual factors, but we can build skills like core principles, consistency, and respect to help ensure our issues aren’t negatively affecting our kids. 

I’m not suggesting that after one discussion, you and your partner are going to have it down pat, because it isn’t that simple. I do, however, expect you to understand that every step in the right direction makes a difference for your child. Children thrive when parents show unity, even if it takes practice to get there.