Repairing After Losing Your Cool: Why Apologizing Matters to Kids

Sometimes, after a long day of naughty kids, attempted deep breaths and seeking patience that just will not come… We snap. Whether you’ve raised your voice at you kid, or said something you instantly regret, the guilt immediately sets in. Although they might have been annoying, nagging you for attention, or begging for you to look, as they jump off the top stair for the 10^th time, you feel bad when an overreaction gets the best of you. Good news is, every parent loses their cool, this is unbelievably common, and it doesn’t make you a “bad parent” in doing so. But what happens after? Does showing your guilt or saying sorry actually make a difference?

Arguing is half of parenting, so do not feel bad about disagreements between you and your child. Rupture and repair is a normal part of relationships, even the healthiest ones. Kids don’t need a “perfect” household where everyone always gets along. They need a household that talks problems out, shows trust in one another, and most importantly, models accountability. It’s important for children to see that everyone messes up sometimes. Whether that’s you, losing your cool at them, or them on a test, it cruicial for children to see that we bounce back from mistakes and that they are not detrimental. Apologies aren’t only vital for the life lesson it teaches kids on recoverability, but also emotional regulation. Apologies teach children about their emotions, whether it be guilt, sadness, anger or frustration, putting an action to the emotions aids your child with emotional expressivity through empathy and conflict resolution.

To really understand the value of this moment, it helps to break down the different lessons your child is absorbing. The first being accountability, which not only shows them everyone makes mistakes but, it’s better to own them than hide from them. It’s not only valuable to admit to what you’ve done because it’s the “right” thing to do, but it matters how you’ve made others feel. That awareness naturally introduces the idea of empathy, as your child will be able to recognize the impact our words/actions put on others. Maybe they didn’t like how you raised your voice at them, apologizing shows them that you’re not only sorry in doing so, but your sorry because of how it made them feel. This step emphasizes that mistakes don’t need to end relationships and that they can actually be strengthened when approached in the correct way. This further builds this important feeling of security between you and your child, as it shows them, they are loved no matter what, even when conflict happens.

With that being said, there are some dos and don’ts with the manner of an apology. But firstly, it’s important to have calmed yourself down. If you’ve previously lost your temper, there is no wrong in stepping away if that means you can cool off. We want the apology to be gentle and genuine, not reactive. While apologizing, it’s extremely beneficial to be specific, it helps your child grasp the apology better and break it down in their head.  Saying something like, “I’m sorry I yelled when you spilled the juice. I was frustrated, but it wasn’t fair to take it out on you,” perfectly breaks down what happened, why it happened and how it was wrong. It’s also productive to include validation like, “I can see how that could have scared you” and lastly, reassuring your connection by saying, “I love you even when I’m upset.” These components are not only important individually, but also collectively. Which is why it’s favourable to steer away from over-explaining or blaming. Saying something like, “I only yelled because you wouldn’t listen,” doesn’t teach your kid anything useful, it only hurts them further. You shouldn’t make your child feel responsible for your feelings/ reactions, nor should they see you ignore your lash out, by pretending it didn’t happen.

Now all this focus on your child, can easily shift your mindset to feel parental guilt. But you must recognize that it’s okay to lose your cool every once in a while, as long as you make up with them in a healthy way. Don’t worry, lashing out isn’t going to “ruin” your child, it’s the ongoing pattern that matters most. Every rupture is an opportunity for repair. When you apologize, you’re not just mending that moment – you’re teaching your child they too can do this. So next time you lose your cool, remember it can be fixed, with some simple steps of accountability, empathy, conflict resolution and emotion safety.