Is My Child’s Worry Just Anxiety, or Something More?

Maybe you’ve heard your child throwing out questions the night before school such as "What if I mess up?" or "What if tomorrow isn’t really pajama day?". Or maybe you’ve seen meltdowns that come before the first day of school. 

These small mood swings and worries are common for parents to observe, but sometimes it leaves us wondering: are these because of normal nerves, or could there be something more? It’s important to be able to recognize the differences between these two things: a healthy worry, or clinical anxiety. 

Worries vs. Anxiety

Worries are a child’s natural alarm system; they help kids prepare for challenges and stay safe. This alarm system is what stops your kids from jumping off the playground climber or slide because they were ‘dared’ to, or riding their bike around the neighbourhood without their helmet. 

These worries are good worries that become extremely helpful for your child’s safety and well-being. The fears range per age group, as we see more pre-schoolers who fear the dark and separation at daycare, while school-aged kids worry over tests, sports games, or being ‘different’ from their peers. Just as us adults may feel stress over a job interview or a work presentation, the things we fear are a sign that we care or feel passionate about something.

Anxiety, on the other hand, is when this ‘alarm system’ goes off too often, too strongly, or in situations that aren’t truly dangerous. Key differences we can look for to differentiate everyday worries from anxiety are: duration, intensity, interference, and physical toll.

It’s important to look at how long a stress factor seems to be present in your child’s life. Ask yourself if this fear of being late was only for a certain week, or if this has become a common occurrence. 

In addition, take a look at the intensity. Note if your child is panicking, having meltdowns, or constantly asking you “when are we leaving” or “what time is it”. 

Branching off from intensity, interference gives us a good idea of the general impact this fear has on your child. If your kid is waking up 3 hours before school to ensure punctuality, or refusing activities they once loved, like sleepovers or playdates, to avoid stress. 

This goes hand in hand with the physical toll, as we can see children complaining about stomachaches, headaches, nail biting, or even trouble sleeping when this fear/worry is taking a large toll on them. 

What We Can Do as Parents

As parents, we can go through a mental checklist to help us keep track of these behaviours. Things to keep your eye out for is whether worries are lasting weeks to months with little to no relief/improvement; almost to see if this fear could be turning into a phobia. Make a note if you’re seeing your child is avoiding school, activities, or social events, especially if they used to be a more social kid. 

Also make a note of repeated complaints of stomachaches or headaches, that don’t feel connected to any true “sickness”. Maybe this follows with your child wanting to stay home from school. Keeping your eye out for how much sleep your kids are getting is always important as it might be stress keeping them up. 

Lastly, take note of meltdowns over small triggers. Very often kids have meltdowns of things unrelated from what they were reacting to. Meltdowns are a sign of built-up emotions and stress, so it’s important to note as a parent. With this being said, although these are helpful points to pay attention to, one or two signs doesn’t mean an official diagnosis, but persistent patterns do matter. 

When taking this all into account, there are little things we can do to help mitigate these worries. A simple thing we can do is alter our wording while helping our children. Instead of saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine,” try validating their feelings. Maybe try saying, “I see this feels really big and difficult—let’s try to figure out a plan together.” 

Another trick we can do is encourage problem solving. This can look like providing them with a plan of action if things go wrong, but letting them know it’s okay if it does look different. You can remind your child that the family is going to leave at the same time out of the house, but if we do leave late, and we do arrive at school late, we can have a plan of action when things go wrong. 

Lastly, it’s important to model what you preach to your children. They pick up so much more than you think, so when you model calmness when hitting traffic on the way to school, they are able to see that that’s an emotion they can have too. 

When it comes to reaching out for professional support, know that your child is okay. Anxiety is something that sucks so much good out of your life. It affects friendships, school performance, and family time. When symptoms don’t improve, it’s easy to think ‘What have I done?’ or ‘How has my child changed so much?’, but you have to remind yourself that nothing is wrong with your child. They just need to learn tools to redirect all these amazing emotions that are simply thinking about the wrong things. 

Remember that every child worries. It's normal and part of learning to face the world! But if it looks like worries are starting to run your child’s life, help is available. With the right support, children who once struggled will learn to strive.