How to Handle Public Tantrums Without Feeling Embarrassed

As a parent, you have probably experienced the difficulty carrying your screaming child out of a public place because something didn't go their way. In that moment, you may have sensed judging eyes or heard impatient scoffs as stress filled your body. For most parents, dealing with these public meltdowns can be extremely overwhelming and difficult. It's only natural to feel like others see you as a bad parent, even though this is a very normal part of child development.

Although it feels like your child is purposefully defying you and choosing to make a scene, that concept is far from the truth. Even if it may feel like your child is always having meltdowns, other children are too, and there’s a reason for that. Unfortunately, kids don't have the ability to suppress or regulate their emotions us adults do. They're not able to save their meltdown for home or let you know exactly how they're feeling quite yet because developmentally, they just aren’t there.

When these public tantrums happen, it may seem like everyone is criticizing you, but in truth, the majority of people are either remembering instances in which their own children did this or are just going about their daily lives. Although it’s easy to get lost while focused on public perception, at such moments, your child is the most important person to concentrate on.

Why Tantrums Happen

Although child meltdowns can sometimes feel random, tantrums generally happen when children are overwhelmed. Young children haven’t learned how to manage frustration, disappointment, fatigue, hunger, or any other big emotions yet. So, when something goes wrong—for example, not getting the toy they want—they express themselves the only way they know how: a tantrum. Although children can talk about and name emotions, it takes an extra step of learning for them to be able to express themselves while they are feeling overwhelmed. 

On top of this feeling, now imagine another element to add to a child's feeling of overstimulation…a busy environment. Think back to when your child had these public tantrums and try to imagine how loud, bright, and filled with stimulus it might be. Maybe they're also in a position where they're forced to sit still in the shopping cart or patiently wait for their food at a restaurant. All these things add on top of one another and help build the tantrum itself.

Even though your child may flip out after not getting the cookie they wanted, most of the time, it's not about the cookie. Instead, they’re feeling tired, hungry, overstimulated, and you just so happen to tell them no too many times. 

Why Do We Feel Embarrassed?

These tantrums are not only hard because our child is upset, but also because we feel like our struggles are all of a sudden on display. A big reason we feel embarrassed when these tantrums break out is because it can feel like our child’s behaviours reflect ourselves and our parenting. If your child is screaming in the grocery store, it’s natural to think people perceive you as a parent with no rules or control over their child. But we have to remind ourselves that this is a conclusion we are jumping to, rather than a fact. 

We also live in a world where parents are judged so easily. We can’t be too firm of parents, because then we are heartless. We can’t be too gentle, otherwise people will think we are pushovers. If we ignore the tantrum, someone may think we don’t care that our child is upset, and if we respond, we are giving too much attention. With this being said, it can feel like there is no right way to react to avoid criticism and that’s because there isn’t. In this moment, we can’t be focused on what others think; we must look at what we think is right for our child.

When your child is kicking and screaming, it’s valuable to remind yourself what is actually happening. Your child isn’t trying to embarrass you—they are simply having a hard time. That small shift in mindset goes a long way as it gives us more patience to react calmly. Young children haven’t fully developed their emotional control, so developmentally, they're unable to always manage their emotions. Kids are still learning that if they feel upset, they can focus on the positive, or if they’re hungry, they need to feed themselves to feel level again. Even though these emotional outbursts are disruptive, it shows growth and that they're figuring out how to control their emotions in the right way. 

What to Do in the Moment

First, you need to calm yourself down in order to calm your child’s emotions. Lower your voice and take a deep breath as a child who is already emotionally overwhelmed doesn’t benefit from another intense stimulus. You can say something as simple as, “I know you really wanted it,” “I see you’re upset and I’m here,” or “I won’t let you hit, but I will sit here with you.”

The goal is to validate their emotions to then calm them down. Kids don’t need a speech or lecture at that moment. In fact, they won’t even process it if you tell them. During a tantrum, a child’s brain is in feelings mode, not learning mode. So focus on validating their emotions while still holding your boundaries. This teaches your child that it’s okay to feel what they feel, but limits still exist. 

When to Step Away

When a tantrum continues to build regardless of trying to approach your child calmly, moving to a quieter space can be beneficial. This could look like stepping outside, going to the car, or finding a quiet corner or hall.

Remember the goal isn’t to punish your child, but help them regulate and reduce their emotions. That’s why reducing stimuli in their environment can help. Sometimes kids aren’t able to calm down because their environment is still too much. Whether it’s the lights, noise, or people around them, removing some of this can help them settle down. You can say something like, “We're going to step outside so we can calm our bodies,” so your child feels helped rather than punished. 

After the Tantrum

Once your child has calmed down, they are ready to listen and learn. A long lecture isn’t necessary, however addressing what happened is. You can reflect on what made them upset and recommend what to do next time. This can look like saying, “That was really hard for you at the store. You were upset that I said no to the cookie,” then suggest “Next time you can say ‘I’m mad’ or ‘I need help’ and we can talk about it.” You can also remind your child it’s okay to feel upset or angry, but we want to talk about it instead of yelling because it doesn’t make other people feel good. This calm and slow manner of addressing emotions helps your child connect emotions, feelings, and behaviour as well as gives them a better coping strategy for next time.

With this being said, it’s important to be realistic as well. Young children often need to be told things more than once to understand, so remember to be patient with this learning process. Just because your child doesn’t present your exact suggestion next time they are upset, doesn’t mean they didn’t learn.

Overall:

As parents, it can be difficult when emotions are displayed so publicly and loudly. It can feel embarrassing, isolating and sometimes even helpless. Even though it can feel impossible to manage, you have to remind yourself that these meltdowns aren’t a reflection of your parenting. Although they can be disruptive, they are a normal part of child development, especially when your child is tired, hungry or overstimulated. 

Parenting isn’t about making sure your child doesn’t have any meltdowns; it’s about finding ways to help them through it. Sometimes this looks like calmly talking it out and being patient, while other times it means pulling your child aside to get fresh air before breaking down what happened. 

Remember, your child is still learning and oftentimes, doing their best. So be there to help navigate all their big feelings, so later they’re able to manage them on their own.